Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I am having an out of money experience.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*