Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

This anagram machine is out of order.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

adding to the discourse

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.