Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Optional boss fight.
that lip filler tho
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
This classic never gets old . . .
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats