Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Erm I’m gonna say no
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.