why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
#catsoftwitter
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.