why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I would like even faster food.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.