why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
hear me out : pockets for your socks