Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?