Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”