Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
We found love in a hopeless place.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Sooo many times…..
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Life is a suicide mission.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning