Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.