Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My birthstone is kidney
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.![]()
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.