Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*