Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Phonetics
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me