Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”