Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work