Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Wasps: bees, but not helping
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.