Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.