Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
This is hilarious
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
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yes yes yes yes yes
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yes yes yesyes
