Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
No. YOU-buprofen.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.