Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

ㅤ

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall