Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

all that yoga finally paid off

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Just parrot things

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better