Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

placebo pills? more like sike meds

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

😊🦆

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.