Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

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Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out


Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.


If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you


The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.


I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.


The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.


My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.


Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis