Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead