Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
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[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”