Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving