Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

rise and shine we got egg

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.