Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
out-housing market appears to be strong
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.