Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.