Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.