Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Girl, same.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it