Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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He-man has a Masters degree
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
shit just got real
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores