Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???