Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
You Might Also Like
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?