Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.