Why soy sad?
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ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My boss called in sick of me
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*