Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

this isn’t threatening at all

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…