Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
You Might Also Like
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My work here is done
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age