Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what