Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*