Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.