Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
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My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.