Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
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When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
i baked you a cake
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.