Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*