why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
My life coach traded me.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.