why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
How wrong was this guy?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Otters see a butterfly.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???