why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Every damn time
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.