Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Me My dog

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”