Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

We like the way Dwight thinks

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

I’d rather go liquor treating.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.