Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Alexa turn off the planet

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Me driving through Toronto

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”