Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.