Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing