Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.