Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
You Might Also Like
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Wait a minute…
The Eggorcist
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird