Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I didn’t come here to be called names
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type