“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
You Might Also Like
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Always…
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
i will not be silenced
