Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

black phone good

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.