@michael_aas

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

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@causticbob

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

@SardonicTart

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

@jonnysun

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

@cdncyn

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face
Priceless

@adrianmyreality

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

@trevso_electric

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

@AnkCoupleTO

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined