“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

You Might Also Like


Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.


FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.


When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.


[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado


*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”


Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.


I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.


[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are


*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*