@michael_aas

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

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@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

@BuckyIsotope

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@jazmasta

*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”

@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@shutupmikeginn

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

@TyWebb1980

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*