“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
You Might Also Like
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries