“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
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me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Blew my mind.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them