Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

*seductively eats two tums*

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.