Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.