Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby