Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
jesus, what did this guy do
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines