Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.