why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
this made my day 😂
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?