Why the f*** is it called the restroom I am fighting for my life in here
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I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
British people
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.