Why the f*** is it called the restroom I am fighting for my life in here
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now