Why the hell do we have butter knives? Steak knives cut butter just fucking fine. I’ve never said, “Do we have anything duller in the house? This is way too sharp for butter. It could slice right through that shit.”
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Twitter remains undefeated
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard