Why the hell do we have butter knives? Steak knives cut butter just fucking fine. I’ve never said, “Do we have anything duller in the house? This is way too sharp for butter. It could slice right through that shit.”
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For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
We avoided this particular disaster
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent