Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date