Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*