Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
o shit
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero