Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.