Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

Am getting real tired of your crap…

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour