“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body