“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter![]()
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”