Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
every college guy’s fridge
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”