Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs