Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.