Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
And then there were 4
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes