Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok