Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude